Autor: CaSch

41
these incurable welleslays among those uncarable wellasdays		1
through Sant Iago by his cocklehat, goot Lazar, deliver us!)		2
without after having been able to jerrywangle it anysides. Lisa		3
O'Deavis and Roche Mongan (who had so much incommon,		4
epipsychidically; if the phrase be permitted hostis et odor insuper		5
petroperfractus) as an understood thing slept their sleep of the		6
swimborne in the one sweet undulant mother of tumblerbunks		7
with Hosty just how the shavers in the shaw the yokels in the		8
yoats or, well, the wasters in the wilde, and the bustling tweeny-		9
dawn-of-all-works (meed of anthems here we pant!) had not been		10
many jiffies furbishing potlids, doorbrasses, scholars' applecheeks		11
and linkboy's metals when, ashhopperminded like no fella he go		12
make bakenbeggfuss longa white man, the rejuvenated busker (for		13
after a goodnight's rave and rumble and a shinkhams topmorning		14
with his coexes he was not the same man) and his broadawake		15
bedroom suite (our boys, as our Byron called them) were up		16
and ashuffle from the hogshome they lovenaned The Barrel, cross		17
Ebblinn's chilled hamlet (thrie routes and restings on their then		18
superficies curiously correspondant with those linea and puncta		19
where our tubenny habenny metro maniplumbs below the ober-		20
flake underrails and stations at this time of riding) to the thrum-		21
mings of a crewth fiddle which, cremoaning and cronauning, levey		22
grevey, witty and wevey, appy, leppy and playable, caressed the		23
ears of the subjects of King Saint Finnerty the Festive who, in		24
brick homes of their own and in their flavory fraiseberry beds,		25
heeding hardly cry of honeyman, soed lavender or foyneboyne		26
salmon alive, with their priggish mouths all open for the larger		27
appraisiation of this longawaited Messiagh of roaratorios, were		28
only halfpast atsweeeep and after a brisk pause at a pawnbroking		29
establishment for the prothetic purpose of redeeming the song-		30
ster's truly admirable false teeth and a prolonged visit to a house		31
of call at Cujas Place, fizz, the Old Sots' Hole in the parish of		32
Saint Cecily within the liberty of Ceolmore not a thousand or one		33
national leagues, that was, by Griffith's valuation, from the site		34
of the statue of Primewer Glasstone setting a match to the march		35
of a maker (last of the stewards peut-?tre), where, the tale rambles		36

40
the Little Old Man's and All Swell That Aimswell, the Cup and		1
the Stirrup, he sought his wellwarmed leababobed in a hous-		2
ingroom Abide With Oneanother at Block W.W., (why didn't		3
he back it?) Pump Court, The Liberties, and, what with		4
moltapuke on voltapuke, resnored alcoh alcoho alcoherently to		5
the burden of I come, my horse delayed, nom num, the sub-		6
stance of the tale of the evangelical bussybozzy and the rusinur-		7
bean (the 'girls' he would keep calling them for the collarette		8
and skirt, the sunbonnet and carnation) in parts (it seemed he		9
was before the eyots of martas or otherwales the thirds of fossil-		10
years, he having beham with katya when lavinias had her mens		11
lease to sea in a psumpship doodly show whereat he was looking		12
for fight niggers with whilde roarses) oft in the chilly night (the		13
metagonistic! the epickthalamorous!) during uneasy slumber in		14
their hearings of a small and stonybroke cashdraper's executive,		15
Peter Cloran (discharged), O'Mara, an exprivate secretary of no		16
fixed abode (locally known as Mildew Lisa), who had passed		17
several nights, funnish enough, in a doorway under the blankets		18
of homelessness on the bunk of iceland, pillowed upon the stone		19
of destiny colder than man's knee or woman's breast, and		20
Hosty, (no slouch of a name), an illstarred beachbusker, who,		21
sans rootie and sans scrapie, suspicioning as how he was setting		22
on a twoodstool on the verge of selfabyss, most starved, with		23
melancholia over everything in general, (night birman, you served		24
him with natigal's nano !) had been towhead tossing on his shake-		25
down, devising ways and manners of means, of what he loved		26
to ifidalicence somehow or other in the nation getting a hold of		27
some chap's parabellum in the hope of taking a wing sociable		28
and lighting upon a sidewheel dive somewhere off the Dullkey		29
Downlairy and Bleakrooky tramaline where he could throw true		30
and go and blow the sibicidal napper off himself for two bits to		31
boldywell baltitude in the peace and quitybus of a one sure shot		32
bottle, he after having being trying all he knew with the lady's		33
help of Madam Gristle for upwards of eighteen calanders to get		34
out of Sir Patrick Dun's, through Sir Humphrey Jervis's and		35
into the Saint Kevin's bed in the Adelaide's hosspittles (from		36

39
of his forties during a priestly flutter for safe and sane bets at the		1
hippic runfields of breezy Baldoyle on a date (W. W. goes		2
through the card) easily capable of rememberance by all pickers-		3
up of events national and Dublin details, the doubles of Perkin		4
and Paullock, peer and prole, when the classic Encourage Hackney		5
Plate was captured by two noses in a stablecloth finish, ek and nek,		6
some and none, evelo nevelo, from the cream colt Bold Boy		7
Cromwell after a clever getaway by Captain Chaplain Blount's		8
roe hinny Saint Dalough, Drummer Coxon, nondepict third, at		9
breakneck odds, thanks to you great little, bonny little, portey		10
little, Winny Widger! you're all their nappies! who in his never-		11
rip mud and purpular cap was surely leagues unlike any other		12
phantomweight that ever toppitt our timber maggies.		13
'Twas two pisononse Timcoves (the wetter is pest, the renns are		14
overt and come and the voax of the turfur is hurled on our lande)		15
of the name of Treacle Tom as was just out of pop following the		16
theft of a leg of Kehoe, Donnelly and Packenham's Finnish pork		17
and his own blood and milk brother Frisky Shorty, (he was, to be		18
exquisitely punctilious about them, both shorty and frisky) a tip-		19
ster, come off the hulks, both of them awful poor, what was out		20
on the bumaround for an oofbird game for a jimmy o'goblin or		21
a small thick un as chanced, while the Seaforths was making the		22
colleenbawl, to ear the passon in the motor clobber make use of		23
his law language (Edzo, Edzo on), touchin the case of Mr Adams		24
what was in all the sundays about it which he was rubbing noses		25
with and having a gurgle off his own along of the butty bloke in		26
the specs.		27
This Treacle Tom to whom reference has been made had		28
been absent from his usual wild and woolly haunts in the land		29
of counties capalleens for some time previous to that (he was, in		30
fact, in the habit of frequenting common lodginghouses where		31
he slept in a nude state, hailfellow with meth, in strange men's		32
cots) but on racenight, blotto after divers tots of hell fire, red		33
biddy, bull dog, blue ruin and creeping jenny, Eglandine's choic-		34
est herbage, supplied by the Duck and Doggies, the Galop-		35
ping Primrose, Brigid Brewster's, the Cock, the Postboy's Horn,		36

38
occasion of the happy escape, for a crowning of pot valiance,		1
this regional platter, benjamin of bouillis, with a spolish olive to		2
middlepoint its zaynith, was marrying itself (porkograso!) ere-		3
busqued very deluxiously with a bottle of Phenice-Bruerie '98,		4
followed for second nuptials by a Piessporter, Grand Cur, of		5
both of which cherished tablelights (though humble the bounquet		6
tis a leaman's farewell) he obdurately sniffed the cobwebcrusted		7
corks.		8
Our cad's bit of strife (knee Bareniece Maxwelton) with a quick		9
ear for spittoons (as the aftertale hath it) glaned up as usual with		10
dumbestic husbandry (no persicks and armelians for thee, Pome-		11
ranzia!) but, slipping the clav in her claw, broke of the matter		12
among a hundred and eleven others in her usual curtsey (how		13
faint these first vhespers womanly are, a secret pispigliando, amad		14
the lavurdy den of their manfolker!) the next night nudge one		15
as was Hegesippus over a hup a ' chee, her eys dry and small and		16
speech thicklish because he appeared a funny colour like he		17
couldn't stood they old hens no longer, to her particular reverend,		18
the director, whom she had been meaning in her mind primarily		19
to speak with (hosch, intra! jist a timblespoon!) trusting, between		20
cuppled lips and annie lawrie promises (mighshe never have		21
Esnekerry pudden come Hunanov for her pecklapitschens!) that		22
the gossiple so delivered in his epistolear, buried teatoastally in		23
their Irish stew would go no further than his jesuit's cloth, yet		24
(in vinars venitas! volatiles valetotum!) it was this overspoiled		25
priest Mr Browne, disguised as a vincentian, who, when seized		26
of the facts, was overheard, in his secondary personality as a		27
Nolan and underreared, poul soul, by accident---if, that is, the		28
incident it was an accident for here the ruah of Ecclectiastes		29
of Hippo outpuffs the writress of Havvah-ban-Annah---to		30
pianissime a slightly varied version of Crookedribs confidentials,		31
(what Mere Aloyse said but for Jesuphine's sake !) hands between		32
hahands, in fealty sworn (my bravor best! my fraur!) and, to the		33
strains of The Secret of Her Birth, hushly pierce the rubiend		34
aurellum of one Philly Thurnston, a layteacher of rural science		35
and orthophonethics of a nearstout figure and about the middle		36

37
postpuberal hypertituitary type of Heidelberg mannleich cavern		1
ethics) lufted his slopingforward, bad Sweatagore good mur-		2
rough and dublnotch on to it as he was greedly obliged, and		3
like a sensible ham, with infinite tact in the delicate situation seen		4
the touchy nature of its perilous theme, thanked um for guilders		5
received and time of day (not a little token abock all the same that		6
that was owl the God's clock it was) and, upon humble duty to		7
greet his Tyskminister and he shall gildthegap Gaper and thee his		8
a mouldy voids, went about his business, whoever it was, saluting		9
corpses, as a metter of corse (one could hound him out had one		10
hart to for the monticules of scalp and dandruff droppings blaze		11
his trail) accompanied by his trusty snorler and his permanent		12
reflection, verbigracious; I have met with you, bird, too late,		13
or if not, too worm and early: and with tag for ildiot repeated		14
in his secondmouth language as many of the bigtimer's verbaten		15
words which he could balbly call to memory that same kveldeve,		16
ere the hour of the twattering of bards in the twitterlitter between		17
Druidia and the Deepsleep Sea, when suppertide and souvenir to		18
Charlatan Mall jointly kem gently and along the quiet darkenings		19
of Grand and Royal, ff, flitmansfluh, and, kk, 't crept i' hedge		20
whenas to many a softongue's pawkytalk mude unswer u sufter		21
poghyogh, Arvanda always aquiassent, while, studying castelles		22
in the blowne and studding cowshots over the noran, he spat in		23
careful convertedness a musaic dispensation about his hearthstone,		24
if you please, (Irish saliva, mawshe dho hole, but would a respect-		25
able prominently connected fellow of Iro-European ascendances		26
with welldressed ideas who knew the correct thing such as Mr		27
Shallwesigh or Mr Shallwelaugh expectorate after such a callous		28
fashion, no thank yous! when he had his belcher spuckertuck in his		29
pucket, pthuck?) musefed with his thockits after having supped		30
of the dish sot and pottage which he snobbishly dabbed Peach		31
Bombay (it is rawly only Lukanpukan pilzenpie which she knows		32
which senaffed and pibered him), a supreme of excelling peas,		33
balled under minnshogue's milk into whitemalt winesour, a pro-		34
viant the littlebilker hoarsely relished, chaff it, in the snevel season,		35
being as fain o't as your rat wi'fennel; and on this celebrating		36

36
stuck ginger, which, as being of sours, acids, salts, sweets and		1
bitters compompounded, we know him to have used as chaw-		2
chaw for bone, muscle, blood, flesh and vimvital,) that where-		3
as the hakusay accusation againstm had been made, what was		4
known in high quarters as was stood stated in Morganspost, by		5
a creature in youman form who was quite beneath parr and seve-		6
ral degrees lower than yore triplehydrad snake. In greater sup-		7
port of his word (it, quaint 'anticipation of a famous phrase, has		8
been reconstricted out of oral style into the verbal for all time		9
with ritual rhythmics, in quiritary quietude, and toosammen-		10
stucked from successive accounts by Noah Webster in the re-		11
daction known as the Sayings Attributive of H. C. Earwicker,		12
prize on schillings, postlots free), the flaxen Gygas tapped his		13
chronometrum drumdrum and, now standing full erect, above		14
the ambijacent floodplain, scene of its happening, with one Ber-		15
lin gauntlet chopstuck in the hough of his ellboge (by ancientest		16
signlore his gesture meaning: Ǝ!) pointed at an angle of thirty-		17
two degrees towards his duc de Fer's overgrown milestone as		18
fellow to his gage and after a rendypresent pause averred with		19
solemn emotion's fire: Shsh shake, co-comeraid! Me only, them		20
five ones, he is equal combat. I have won straight. Hence my		21
nonation wide hotel and creamery establishments which for the		22
honours of our mewmew mutual daughters, credit me, I am woo-		23
woo willing to take my stand, sir, upon the monument, that sign		24
of our ruru redemption, any hygienic day to this hour and to		25
make my hoath to my sinnfinners, even if I get life for it, upon		26
the Open Bible and before the Great Taskmaster's (I lift my hat!)		27
and in the presence of the Deity Itself andwell of Bishop and		28
Mrs Michan of High Church of England as of all such of said		29
my immediate withdwellers and of every living sohole in every		30
corner wheresoever of this globe in general which useth of my		31
British to my backbone tongue and commutative justice that		32
there is not one tittle of truth, allow me to tell you, in that purest		33
of fibfib fabrications.		34
Gaping Gill, swift to mate errthors, stern to checkself, (diag-		35
nosing through eustacetube that it was to make with a markedly		36

35
us that it is true. They tell the story (an amalgam as absorbing as		1
calzium chloereydes and hydrophobe sponges could make it) how		2
one happygogusty Ides-of-April morning (the anniversary, as it		3
fell out, of his first assumption of his mirthday suit and rights in		4
appurtenance to the confusioning of human races) ages and ages		5
after the alleged misdemeanour when the tried friend of all crea-		6
tion, tigerwood roadstaff to his stay, was billowing across the		7
wide expanse of our greatest park in his caoutchouc kepi and		8
great belt and hideinsacks and his blaufunx fustian and ironsides		9
jackboots and Bhagafat gaiters and his rubberised inverness, he		10
met a cad with a pipe. The latter, the luciferant not the oriuolate		11
(who, the odds are, is still berting dagabout in the same straw		12
bamer, carryin his overgoat under his schulder, sheepside out, so		13
as to look more like a coumfry gentleman and signing the pledge		14
as gaily as you please) hardily accosted him with: Guinness thaw		15
tool in jew me dinner ouzel fin? (a nice how-do-you-do in Pool-		16
black at the time as some of our olddaisers may still tremblingly		17
recall) to ask could he tell him how much a clock it was that the		18
clock struck had he any idea by cock's luck as his watch was		19
bradys. Hesitency was clearly to be evitated. Execration as cleverly		20
to be honnisoid. The Earwicker of that spurring instant, realising		21
on fundamental liberal principles the supreme importance, nexally		22
and noxally, of physical life (the nearest help relay being pingping		23
K. O. Sempatrick's Day and the fenian rising) and unwishful as		24
he felt of being hurled into eternity right then, plugged by a soft-		25
nosed bullet from the sap, halted, quick on the draw, and reply-		26
in that he was feelin tipstaff, cue, prodooced from his gunpocket		27
his Jurgensen's shrapnel waterbury, ours by communionism, his		28
by usucapture, but, on the same stroke, hearing above the skirl-		29
ing of harsh Mother East old Fox Goodman, the bellmaster, over		30
the wastes to south, at work upon the ten ton tonuant thunder-		31
ous tenor toller in the speckled church (Couhounin's call!) told		32
the inquiring kidder, by Jehova, it was twelve of em sidereal and		33
tankard time, adding, buttall, as he bended deeply with smoked		34
sardinish breath to give more pondus to the copperstick he pre-		35
sented (though this seems in some cumfusium with the chap-		36

34
round Dumbaling in leaky sneakers with his tarrk record who		1
has remained topantically anonymos but (let us hue him Abdul-		2
lah Gamellaxarksky) was, it is stated, posted at Mallon's at the		3
instance of watch warriors of the vigilance committee and years		4
afterwards, cries one even greater, Ibid, a commender of the		5
frightful, seemingly, unto such as were sulhan sated, tropped head		6
(pfiat! pfiat!) waiting his first of the month froods turn for		7
thatt chopp pah kabbakks alicubi on the old house for the charge-		8
hard, Roche Haddocks off Hawkins Street. Lowe, you blondy		9
liar, Gob scene you in the narked place and she what's edith ar		10
home defileth these boyles! There's a cabful of bash indeed in		11
the homeur of that meal. Slander, let it lie its flattest, has never		12
been able to convict our good and great and no ordinary Southron		13
Earwicker, that homogenius man, as a pious author called him, of		14
any graver impropriety than that, advanced by some woodwards		15
or regarders, who did not dare deny, the shomers, that they had,		16
chin Ted, chin Tam, chinchin Taffyd, that day consumed their		17
soul of the corn, of having behaved with ongentilmensky im-		18
modus opposite a pair of dainty maidservants in the swoolth of		19
the rushy hollow whither, or so the two gown and pinners plead-		20
ed, dame nature in all innocency had spontaneously and about the		21
same hour of the eventide sent them both but whose published		22
combinations of silkinlaine testimonies are, where not dubiously		23
pure, visibly divergent, as wapt from wept, on minor points touch-		24
ing the intimate nature of this, a first offence in vert or venison		25
which was admittedly an incautious but, at its wildest, a partial ex-		26
posure with such attenuating circumstances (garthen gaddeth green		27
hwere sokeman brideth girling) as an abnormal Saint Swithin's		28
summer and, (Jesses Rosasharon!) a ripe occasion to provoke it.		29
We can't do without them. Wives, rush to the restyours! Of-		30
man will toman while led is the lol. Zessid's our kadem, villa-		31
pleach, vollapluck. Fikup, for flesh nelly, el mundo nov, zole flen !		32
If she's a lilyth, pull early! Pauline, allow! And malers abushed,		33
keep black, keep black! Guiltless of much laid to him he was		34
clearly for once at least he clearly expressed himself as being with		35
still a trace of his erstwhile burr sod hence it has been received of		36

33
inged there a cuckoospit less eminent than the redritualhoods of		1
Maccabe and Cullen) where, a veritable Napoleon the Nth, our		2
worldstage's practical jokepiece and retired cecelticocommediant		3
in his own wise, this folksforefather all of the time sat, having the		4
entirety of his house about him, with the invariable broadstretched		5
kerchief cooling his whole neck, nape and shoulderblades and in		6
a wardrobe panelled tuxedo completely thrown back from a shirt		7
well entitled a swallowall, on every point far outstarching the		8
laundered clawhammers and marbletopped highboys of the pit		9
stalls and early amphitheatre. The piece was this: look at the lamps.		10
The cast was thus: see under the clock. Ladies circle: cloaks may		11
be left. Pit, prommer and parterre, standing room only. Habituels		12
conspicuously emergent.		13
A baser meaning has been read into these characters the literal		14
sense of which decency can safely scarcely hint. It has been blur-		15
tingly bruited by certain wisecrackers (the stinks of Mohorat are		16
in the nightplots of the morning), that he suffered from a vile		17
disease. Athma, unmanner them! To such a suggestion the one		18
selfrespecting answer is to affirm that there are certain statements		19
which ought not to be, and one should like to hope to be able to		20
add, ought not to be allowed to be made. Nor have his detractors,		21
who, an imperfectly warmblooded race, apparently conceive him		22
as a great white caterpillar capable of any and every enormity in		23
the calendar recorded to the discredit of the Juke and Kellikek		24
families, mended their case by insinuating that, alternately, he lay		25
at one time under the ludicrous imputation of annoying Welsh		26
fusiliers in the people's park. Hay, hay, hay! Hoq, hoq, hoq!		27
Faun and Flora on the lea love that little old joq. To anyone who		28
knew and loved the christlikeness of the big cleanminded giant		29
H. C. Earwicker throughout his excellency long vicefreegal exis-		30
tence the mere suggestion of him as a lustsleuth nosing for trou-		31
ble in a boobytrap rings particularly preposterous. Truth, beard		32
on prophet, compels one to add that there is said to have been		33
quondam (pfuit! pfuit!) some case of the kind implicating, it is		34
interdum believed, a quidam (if he did not exist it would be ne-		35
cessary quoniam to invent him) abhout that time stambuling ha-		36